Dern der der der, dern der der der, dern der der der der der der der der der... (repeat)

Dearly beloved,

We are gathered here tomorrow to celebrate the wedding of the chuffing year which shall unite Ian and Sharon in marriage.

Should there be anyone who has cause why this couple should not be united in marriage, then tough. Hold your peas.

As St Paul said in an email to the Corinthians:

Love is very patient and kind, never wakes you up when it comes in late, never takes the micky out of your car's name.
Love is taking away pizza and giving butternut squash.
Love does not strop if friends turn up on Valentine's Day. Love picks you up from the airport. Love does not hold grudges, even at 8pm on a Sunday.
Love never worries about clumsiness, but merely fetches the dustpan and brush.
If you love someone, you will always let them watch Charmed or the cricket, no matter how dull you find it. You will always make Horlicks for them, always expect the best gorilla impression from them, and will always tut at those who doesn't pay attention during their set.
 
Congratulations, you may kiss the bride.

I was young once too, you know

Old pics
Originally uploaded by LizzieCatt.

My dad just mailed me a load of old photos that we took, supposedly for my first proper CV, on the family's first webcam (still can't work the fuckers).

How could I possibly have been so bloody young and not noticed? Look at my idiotic face! Did I not realise the collegen was slowly draining away, eyelids losing elasticity, thighs getting sturdier? Sigh. The invincibility of youth. Can't wait to be 30 next week, woo! *sobs*

PS. Like my dad's Crazy Horse poster in the background? It's alright, cos it's arty.

World's funniest photo (fact)

World's funniest picture (fact)
Originally uploaded by LizzieCatt.

Dee took this photograph of this utter pillock at DC10 and it is the funniest picture ever taken - that is 100 per cent fact.

He was a badly fake-tanned rich Russian (can you see the streaky rolls on his neck) who was dancing with exceptional violence far too close to my face. According to Mernie, he is wearing ladies Christian Dior sunglasses, which are, I suppose, in keeping with his distressed leotard.

I'm not sure if the icing on the cake is the pouffiest Euro-mullet ever sported, or the white man's overbite. But we got back well over a month ago now and it's still far too funny.

Ooh, and his girlfriend was wearing a furry animal tail around her neck.

I don't believe I've used the word ponce yet. What an absolute ponce.

"You have no power over me!"

For some reason, I have been reminiscing about the muppet nightmare that was Labyrinth.

Cos there was nothing wrong with an ageing, slutty, be-mulleted glam-rock kidnapper (in an eye-wateringly impressive codpiece) popping an alluring underage babysitter into a saucy frock and whisking her around a ballroom in the "Goblin City". Nothing at all. Probably because it was Jennifer Connelly, maybe because it was the eighties. Still, interesting concept.

Dirty noodles

I like Pot Noodles. They're brilliant after a night out - surely a better bet than a mechanically retrieved kebab. Whatever the hell they put in them seems to work magically against the after-effects of tequila - I went through a bit of a phase of waking up with Pot Noodle gravy on my cardie but a surprisingly tame hangover.

They're fantastic if you're desperate for hot food but too feeble to cook and too incoherent to order a full English. And they come in very handy if you're working outside and in need of warming sustenance.

Pot Noodles are many things, but one thing they are not is the way to five. Which is why I was mildly disturbed to hear this report from my sister's boyfriend Tim, who works at a university and has been showing new students around their accommodation.

Tim: .... and the laundry area is this way...
Student: Don't worry about that. I'll take my washing home to my mum every week.
Tim: Right then. Well, here is the kitchen...
Student: Don't worry about that either. I'll just eat Pot Noodles.
Tim: Ah. In that case... here is your... kettle.

I only hope his mother pours pureed broccoli straight down his throat every time he takes his Noodle gravy-encrusted clothing home each weekend. Sigh.

Frilly white leather

Frilly white leather
Originally uploaded by LizzieCatt.

My photo sadly does not capture the full glory of this frilly white leather... person upholstering device.

Hat woman

Hat woman
Originally uploaded by LizzieCatt.

Apparently, this woman is at all the shows. Wearing hats.

Excuse me, your knickers are showing... (part two)

Knicker bockers
Originally uploaded by LizzieCatt.

I was sent out to London Fashion Week yesterday, and again today. When I arrived yesterday morning, the first person I saw outside the Natural History Museum was this lady.

I'm guessing she's an important fashiony person because:

a) she was sitting in the front row of one of the shows I went to
b) she's dressed like a complete idiot.

If you look closely, you will see that not only are her ribboned knickers - pantaloons? - dangling out from under her, um, skirt, I think that is, but also, her toes are poking out of her.... boot... things.

Ker-azy. More pics to follow.

Excuse me, your knickers are showing... (part one)

Knicker bockers
Originally uploaded by LizzieCatt.

Sausages

I was just dragged away from my work for a spot of "modelling". This entailed lending my hurriedly-made up face, dreary end-of-the-week-no-exciting-clothes-clean outfit and embarrassed grimace to the company.

A male colleague and myself were taken to a near-by pub and photographed "enjoying" an all-day breakfast (him), sausage and mash (me), and two fake glasses of wine. There were lots of flies in the pub, who seemed to have their little hearts set walking around on his bacon. Which was a crying shame, as that was the only bit I wanted to eat, it being 11am and me just having finished my breakfast.

I heroically ate one of my sausages cos it was free. It wasn't very nice.

Crocs rule!

I can't believe Steve Irwin is dead. I know he was kind of asking for it, but still.


Crikey!

Aussie PM John Howard looked like he was going to start sobbing during his tribute and Queensland Tourism Minister Margaret Keech has described Steve as "a real Aussie larrikin", whatever that means. As his tearful friend said at the end of the press conference announcing his death, "Crocs rule."

Steve Irwin, RIP.

He should grow into it

Where's me Pot Noodle?
Originally uploaded by LizzieCatt.

I met my friend Clara's baby, Freddie, for the first time last night. Well, I say met, he was asleep the entire time. Here he is recreating the famous Pot Noodle advert. He's got a precociously developed sense of humour for a slumbering, 10-day old infant.

Clara is the first of my friends to have a baby (a gymslip mother at 29 and three quarters) and I still can't quite get my head around the fact that she actually made a person. I'm ever so impressed.