Friday, February 17, 2006

Sliding trays

The Winter Olypics - the history behind the sport.

From the official website.

Biathlon
Olympic sport since 1782
ABOUT
Biathlon was originally a tactic of survival rather than a sport. Northern Europeans used ski to Netto for when they ran out of own-brand toilet paper. They also skied with weapons to defend their grandmothers. The word "biathlon" stems from the Greek word for slidey sticks. Today it is interpreted as a joining of two sports: sock skidding and shooting at seagulls with pellet guns.
In 1960, Biathlon joined the Guildford Womens' Guild (GWG). But in 1993, an agreement was made to retain the Guild as an umbrella body under which the GWG and the Guildford tea rooms could act autonomously. It took effect in 1998, but Mrs Berrymore retains control of scones.

Bobsleigh
Olympic sport since 1924
ABOUT
Bobsleigh racing was developed in search of the ultimate thrill by crazy 19th century Eurotrash trustafarians.
Considered the world's first sliding sport, "skeleton" originated in the English town of Hemel Hempstead in the late 1800s. The first competition was held in 1987. Riders raced down the road from the High Street to the Rec, where the winner received a bottle of hair oil. It wasn't until 1988 that riders began competing in the featel position used today. The sport took its name in 2006, when a new sled made mostly of pipecleaners was introduced. People thought it looked like a very silly and dangerous thing to do.
The sport's governing body, the Federation Internationale de Sliding (FIdS), was founded in 1923. This competition has been part of the official programme since the 1st Olympic Winter Games in Watford in 1492.

Curling
Olympic sport since 1924
ABOUT
Curling originated in the 16th century in Scotland, where games were played during winter on soapy kitchen floors. The earliest-known slidey stones came from the Woolworths on Perth High Street and date back to last week. The earliest reports of sliding the slidey things across the kitchen floor came from Loch Cold Primary School in 1541. In the early days of the sport, slidey stones were taken from the headmaster's back garden. In the 1600s, slidey stones with handles were manufactured by Mr Stirrup and the third year CDT class, allowing a delivery style similar to what is used today.
The key developments in the sport in the 20th century have painting the slidey thing red and the indroduction of industrial strength Fairy Liquid.
Curling for men was included in the programme in 1924, but everyone laughed at them so they stopped.

Ice Hockey
An Olympic sport since 1920
ABOUT
The word “hockey” comes from the old French word "slidee", meaning "slidey". The origins of ice hockey are unclear, but it is widely accepted that the British marched into North America on skates, wielding hockey sticks. In 1879, a group of stoned college students at McGill University in Montreal thought thought it would be really funny to stuff pillows down their trousers and skid about on the pond. It wasn't.

Luge
Olympic sport since 1964
ABOUT
Luge is the French word for "tea tray", and historical findings point to the existence of sleds, as early as AD 800 with the Vikings in the Box Hill countryside near the sewage works. The Vikings are believed to have had sleds with two pointy horns, which resemble the modern Madonna's bra. The first international sled race occurred in 1883 in Davos, Switzerland, with 671 competitors from Bognor, Shepton Mallet, Middle Wallop and the United States. This race took place over 100m and was won by Edith Biggs, a dinner lady from Bolton.

Monday, February 06, 2006

How do you eat yours?

So, Easter.

Great for many reasons, one of which is pancakes. Hot, cheap, delicious pancakes. Personally, I like mine with a little lemon juice and sugar, a smearing of nutella, or occasionally, rolled around a selection of finely sliced celebrations. Without wishing to toot my own horn, I kick ass at pancake flipping and would no doubt wipe the floor with any of you losers in a pancake flip-a-thon.

Another reason for loving Easter is the family turkey dinner - just like Christmas, but without the horrifying lead-up and crippling stress. Also, any enforced "gentle stroll" after dinner (translation: "for the love of all things holy, get your sodding father out of my goddamn kitchen for ten minutes or I swear I will run him through with the carving knife") does not involve frostbite.

Four days off work is always a bonus and my mother's increasingly insane Easter displays are a wonder to behold - last year's wonder featured real grass and a host of not-real fluffy chicks. But the best thing about Easter has got to be... Jesus! Only joking. Although I do like that song that goes "And it's hard to dancewiththedevilonyourback...", and without Good Friday, we would not have that hymn. No, the very best thing about Easter is egg-shaped chocolate. I'll wager that the pagans of yore did not realise when they picked the egg as a symbol of new life that in the year 2006, there would be such an array of egg-shaped confectionery.

The Cadbury Creme Egg is of course the daddy of them all.



I nearly died when my mum first bought me one of these...



... but was deeply saddened when I realised the giant chocolate egg did not contain a litre of white and yellow-stained fondant. Which was probably for the best as it would have killed me. But it's not really the giant eggs that make Easter great - it's the little ones which hit the shops a ridiculous four months early. Creme eggs, rolo eggs, mars eggs, truffle eggs, smarties eggs, double cream eggs, caramel eggs and any mini versions. I don't know why, but egg-shaped confectionery is so much more satisfying than the regular sort. Perhaps it has something to do with the Easter Sunday egg hunts we used to have in the back garden. I will never, ever forget the crushing disappointment of finding an egg with my foot when I was about seven. The brief resistance and heart-breaking pop as the hollow chocolate caved into the flowerbed under my weight stalks me through my adult life. Devastating stuff.

I'm sure religous types lamenting the loss of the Christian messgae at Easter time frown on the cynical peddling of chicken ovum-themed chocolate delights. They're probably not too happy about the hijacking of Shrove Tuesday by the Jif Lemon people either. I hope they can console themselves with the fact that all us sinners shooting into the firey depths of hell on a slick of hot, smoking fat enjoyed a few brief moments of base pleasure at the expense of their Lord and Father.

When I think about my posting options, the word "insipid" springs to mind

Things I can't blog about because people may read about it and get their collective knickers in a dirty great twist:

My job
My relationship
Certain family situations
Various projects I'm involved with
Some friends (who are doing things that are interesting)
Basically, everything I do/say/think

Things I can blog about because nobody cares:

How much I hate generic stuff
Eating (as long as it is not undertaken with anybody "sensitive")
How much I like generic stuff
Sleeping
Non-touchy friends (who aren't doing anything interesting)
My low-energy mission to get fit

Sometimes, blogging is a real bitch. I could, of course, start a secret blog and write about lots of secret things, but that would be a bit horrid. So. Check back later to find out just how much I like egg-shaped chocolate *sigh*

Main Entry: insipid
Part of Speech: adjective 1
Definition: dull
Synonyms: anemic, arid, banal, beige, blah, bland, characterless, colorless, commonplace, dead, drab, driveling, dry, dullsville, feeble, flat, ho hum, inane, innocuous, jejune, lifeless, limp, loser, mild, milk-and-water, mundane, namby-pamby, nebbish, nothing, nowhere, ordinary, plain, pointless, prosaic, prosy, slight, soft, spiritless, stale, stupid, subdued, tame, tedious, tenuous, thin, tired, trite, unimaginative, vapid, watery, weak, weariful, wearisome, wiped out, wishy-washy, yawn
Antonyms: interesting