You've had your oats, filthy they were

A reasonable amount of capers have occurred since I was last able to access this blog – there’s been skiing, disco dancing, missing kids (not mine), Russian pop stars, a fair bit of jet-setting and more shelebrities than you could waggle a sparkly stick at. Where to begin?

I’ll tell you where. Did you know there are 92 calories in a milk chocolate HobNob? Ninety-fucking-two! That’s the same as a fried egg, and adds up 552 calories I’ve put away today in biscuits alone. All I’ve got to show for it is a slightly chocolatey keyboard and a mild headache. I hardly even noticed I was eating them, I just sat there, posting them in like some kind of biped cow grazing on buttery, sugary, biscuity filth. There’s a part of me that wishes I’d gone crazy and stacked up the five fried eggs instead.

Just where do McVitie’s get off cramming 92 calories into a HobNob, that’s what I’d like to know. Source of fibre, they said. Free from artificial colours or preservatives, they said. Ooh, they’re all oaty and only a naughty little smear of lovely chocolate as a treat for being so good and putting away what is basically a bowl of cereal in compact form. Such deception.

And what, exactly, am I supposed to do with the remaining eight? I can’t share them out with my colleagues, I’d feel like some kind of fat dealer, luring them in and getting them smacked off their faces on dodgy oats. I’m going to have to eat them, aren’t I. Sickening.