Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Brit's bits

I'm getting fed up with this barrage of exposed celebrity undercarriages. Lindsay Lohan's squished packet of wafer thin ham made my eyes bleed. And Britney? Good god. Is it possible for a girl's groin to look depressed?



If they insist on waving their startled bits around, could they not do it in Playboy? Surely it would be preferable to have sympathetic lighting, professional art direction and maybe even a little make-up, rather than just free-styling it out of the limo in the harsh, unforgiving glare of flashing cameras? Crumpled-in-the-car is so not a good look.

Tsk.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

White-out

I finally painted my bedroom at the weekend. It took three days of shoving a double-dunked paintbrush down the back of the pipes, but I eventually got rid of all the horrendous terracotta. Actually, there's still loads of it behind the massive wardrobe, but until three well-built young men wander into my room offering to move my furniture around, it's going to have to stay like that.

The fucking awful faux-glass and wrought iron lamp-thing full of dust and dead moths has also been ripped down and thrown out. You would have thought that changing a lampshade would be easy. It wasn't. We had to go at it with a hacksaw blade then take off the ceiling rose whatsit and rewire the entire thing. I say we, what I mean is, my flatmate Caroline did it and I helped by standing on a chair saying "ooh, that looks complicated". It was all terribly empowering and just goes to show that you don't need men as long as you live with a girl who has two tool kits and drives a van. I'm the one who isn't scared of spiders though.

I now have a rather minimal look in the newly-white bedroom after having a bit of a moment with the curtains and the curtain rail and throwing them down the stairs. Which would be fine - they're uneven, grubby, the crap plastic runner was dangling off the wall and I couldn't be arsed to wash them. But now I don't have any curtains or any means of hanging any up. I'm not being woken up by the sunlight though, the paint fumes are pretty soporific.

The whole process was made considerably more pleasant by - and I can't believe I'm admitting this - an almost compulsive looping of Girl's Aloud's greatest hits album. Seriously. It's brilliant. I would have Something Kinda Ooooh played at my funeral. I had to play it again and again as it's quite short when you skip though all the slow ones (ballads - eurghhhhh). And I should point out that their version of I Think We're Alone now is the biggest pile of skull-splitting drivel I've ever heard. The only place I can imagine it being played is at the S.L.A.G.S / Chill-Out on a Sunday afternoon at the Royal Vauxhall Tavern, where the music of a seven-year-old girl's birthday party combines with 400 sweaty, bald, shirtless, sleep-deprived, bopping, spangled gay men feeling each other up and piling into the grotty toilets for more ketamine.

But apart from that, it is what I believe the lazier music reviewer would describe as a "cracking slice of pop music". I have listened to it so many times I'm almost word perfect. I'm about 700 trips to the gym, a stylist, an bout of body dismorphia, a Fantasy Tan, an assault charge and a go on Calum Best away from being the sixth member of the band.

Monday, November 20, 2006

The ungroomed bride

There is something very jarring about Katie Holmes' wedding pictures. She was quite clearly stooping. She may well have been standing in a hole. But it's not the continually changing height discrepancy between her and Lil' Tom that bothers me - it's the spacky fringe-thing.

Since she arrived in Italy , there has been some very peculiar stubby fluff jutting from Ms Holmes' browline. It reminds me of the fringe my five-year-old babysitting charge Katherine hacked for herself with a pair of kiddie scissors. It also makes her look a bit like a monkey.

Now there is somebody else in that family whose looks lean toward the chimpy (I'm allowed to say this, because although my junior crowning glory didn't quite compare to Suri's flowing locks, I resembled a baby monkey when I was born. My parents' friend nicknamed me "bog brush"). After all the speculation, it is obvious from looking at Suri that she is genetically predisposed to both moping around with Pacey AND playing beach volleyball with Goose. But as gorgeous and of unquestionable parentage as she undoubtedly is, the kid is more than a little fuzzy.

Maybe Katie is bravely trying to make her daughter feel more comfortable about her enviable barnet? Even so, it doesn't explain why she didn't bother doing the rest of her hair for the wedding. Aside from the spacky fringe-thing, it looks like she's gone straight from doing the dusting - a look that my mother disparagingly refers to as "scragged back". Good job Posh wedged her melons into a comedy frock to detract attention.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

A brilliant smile

I was standing around in Leicester Square last night while the Bond premiere was taking place. Not for fun - the Queen was there and I was under instructions from my employers not to leave until she was safely tucking into her popcorn "just in case she explodes or something".

Anyway, the bitch was over half an hour late and I was at least 45 minutes into cold-induced kidney shutdown before she zoomed up the red carpet. As she leapt nibbly from her pope-mobile and I turned around to race off and meet Andrew, I nearly ran smack-bang into this fucker:



Jaws! Gah!

He had all his metalwork in and was accompanied by Oddjob. When I was little, I was absolutely chuffing terrified of Jaws. Only the other night I cited him as the reason I'm scared to travel in cable cars. And there he was, mingling with the plebs Leicester Square for no apparent reason. I was surprised at the time that he didn't have any security with him, although I suppose when you are capable of smilingly chomping your way through people's limbs, there's no need for a bouncer.

Still, as nightmarish as Jaws is, he never freaked me out quite like this evil, mangy rotter:



Boom boom. Don't try to tell me that Basil Brush didn't eat babies. Pure furry evil.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

UGGLY

I can't f*cking believe Kate Moss is wearing Uggs again. What's wrong with her? Sweet Jesus. I really can't stomach another winter of wannabe Kate-a-likes dragging their feet around town in revolting, half-hanging-off, grubby cream fleece booties that appear to have been ordered from the Innovations catalogue.

I bet she's doing it on purpose.

Ooh, sexy - thigh-high versions! No doubt featuring in every fashion-conscious gentleman's steamiest winter fantasies. Thanks, Kate.