14 years

As a long-term relationship ends, so grows the list of traits unacceptable in a boyfriend.

Relationship 1
1. Must not live with parents
2. Must not pretend to be Indian when actually Chinese
3. Must not wear hand-woven waistcoats or like Yngwingie Malsteim
4. Must not poke out tongue whilst playing guitar
5. Must not use my scrunchie

Relationship 2
6. Must not resemble a daddy long legs/rabbit hybrid
7. Must not have car that requires push starts
8. Must have proper double bed (not two single ones pushed together)
9. Must not write songs with me then get new girlfriend to do the vocals
10. Must not throw spaghetti bolognaise at the wall
11. Must not take three years of Saturday job money for council tax and not pay it back
12. Preferably, would not work in and smell like a kitchen

Relationship 3
13. Must NEVER wake me up on a Saturday suggesting a trip to the gym
14. Must not start patronising discussions about the direction of my life
15. Must not have bunny boiler ex-wife
16. Must not have cat hair on duvet or put chili sauce into baked beans
(otherwise, well done Chivers. You were one of my favorites)

Relationship 4
17. Must not hail from Bexley Heath
18. Must not resemble a daddy long legs
19. Should have an arse
20. Must not smell vaguely of imitation KFC
21. Must not allow friends to leap all over our bedroom playing records
22. Must not be a spineless, cheating, lying, emotionally incontinent, pasty-faced heartbreaking lowlife scumbag with more issues than Mariah Carey

Relationship 5
23. Must want time alone with me
24. Must not have secret double life, secret children, or sleep with secret double wife after being forgiven for the whole thing once already
25. Must not be mad