Sing Hallelujah, come on get ha... oh, f*ck it.

The papers are currently brimming with cheery suggestions for gettng happy during these long, bleak days of skintness and shivering.

I'm too poor and too hot year-round, so I'm rather partial to January - no having to watch minted chums swank around in poncey new threads, and a nice brisk breeze up the parka after stepping out of the tube.

But for anyone feeling blue, here's my own suggestions for getting happy:

* Steal something from work
* Pornography
* Smash a milk bottle
* Strip naked in the gym changing room and marvel at how much uglier everyone elses' bodies are - you'll be amazed!

And for those who like wallowing in depression, here's how to stay miserable:

* Strip naked and take pictures of yourself on your mobile
* Check your bank balance
* Read the Daily Mail
* Try and sustain yourself for a whole day on just one Cuppa Soup. So, it's a great big hug in a mug, is it? Pah.