Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the dining room: The return of pigs in blankets

The festive break is ideally spent perpetually dithering over a selection of cheeses, nuts, chocolates, turkey leftovers, dubious holiday liqueurs, and the burnt bits off the roastie tin. Sadly, due to a nasty stomach bug, a good friend of mine spent December 25th not imbibing egg nog and gobbling goose, but deciding instead which end of himself to present to the lavatory. The only kick the poor sod got out of Christmas was a rather trippy kaolin and morphine buzz.

Luckily for him, he has a splendid girlfriend, who yesterday managed to secure all the necessary components for a tip-top substitute Christmas feast. And luckily for me, they let me come over and help them eat it.

You can bake your beetroots, drizzle your distressed dumplings, rissole your rose-blush radishes and pan-fry your pickled polenta pudding to your heart's content. But nothing - and may I stress NOTHING - on earth tastes as fine as a huge plate of succulent turkey, stuffing, crispy, juicy pigs in blankets and sweet roast veg, covered in yummy gravy and immediately followed by a M&S mince pie.