Checklist
As I gently headed to the bus-stop following last night's hair-hoiking experience, I was reminded of a conversation I overheard at work last week. One of the boys, who was leaving the office at 6.10pm on a Friday, was due to go on a date with a young lady that evening. Except he had decided that he couldn't be bothered, and was about to call and cancel.
Now, for all I know, the woman in question may have been thrilled not to have gone out with him. But I doubt it.
Do men really not realise the days of torture and spending that are involved in preparing for a date? Surely they have all lived with girlfriends, sisters, mothers, or female flatmates at some point. Seriously, can they really have missed the awesome undertaking required simply to get a woman into ready mode? We can't just strut out of work with a toothbrush in our coat pocket.
For those who don't know, this is what happens when a straight man asks out a straight woman:
Man asks woman out. Woman (not that she's going to sleep with him) calculates the timing of her next period, and agrees a date.
A week before the date: Haircut
Hair looks rubbish for a week after being cut. Woman visits emporium of steam and humiliation to have hair savaged and blow-dried into a soul-destroying form, and is then mugged to the tune of £60.
COST: £60
Three days before date: Bikini wax
The woman tells friends: "I'm not going to sleep with him. I just want to have a nice night out, have fun, get to know him."
She books a bikini wax, convincing herself that she could do with a tidy-up, and anyway, she wants to be feeling her best on the date so needs to wear her nice knickers, which are a bit skimpy and look crap with spider legs dangling out the side. The fact that it could take two days for the skin to calm down has nothing to do with the timing of the wax.
The woman visits the chamber of tortures and removes lower clothing in front of a fearsome woman named Svjnska, who pours molten bubble gum all over her outer reproductive area, bends her into undignified positions, and rips the majority of her pubic hair out of her groin. The woman gingerly heads home with leftover, cooling lava gently trying to tack her bum cheek to the top of her leg with each step.
COST: £15 - £40
Two days before date: Tanning
The woman, who is not, you understand, going to sleep with him, visits a tanning shop or applies fake tan. This is to aid a healthy glow. But of course, there is no point just doing the face and arms or there will be a silly line. Might as well do the whole body. Especially the arse. Looks a lot less flabby when tanned. Not that anyone's going to be seeing it of course. But glowing inner beauty comes from inner confidence, which, in part, is drawn from knowing that if she DID sleep with him, her arse would look fantastic.
Woman smears herself with foul-smelling chemicals, or lies, naked, boiling and sweating, in a cancer-inducing plastic tomb.
COST: £8 - £30
Day before date: Clothing
Inner confidence is also often aided by a new outfit. Especially by a new outfit with a plunging neckline, made out of a rather flimsy fabric. Well, if she's not going to sleep with him, he'll need something to look forward to, won't he? Purchase of non-embarrassing new washbag has nothing to do with date. Just needed a new one.
Woman triggers alert at credit card company.
COST: £20 - £200
Day of date:
7am: Woman gets up early to shave legs and underarms, blow-dry hair, pluck eyebrows, do nails, run through outfit, fold outfit gently into a carrier bag, and pack a discreet overnight bag. Well, she might, um, go the gym and have a shower before the date!
7pm: Man decides he can't be bothered, and calls to cancel. Suggests rescheduling. Man clearly has no idea about duration of tan, menstrual cycles, nail varnish longevity, or pubic, head, underarm, leg, eyebrow and possibly facial hair regrowth. Man is an idiot.
The end.
Now, for all I know, the woman in question may have been thrilled not to have gone out with him. But I doubt it.
Do men really not realise the days of torture and spending that are involved in preparing for a date? Surely they have all lived with girlfriends, sisters, mothers, or female flatmates at some point. Seriously, can they really have missed the awesome undertaking required simply to get a woman into ready mode? We can't just strut out of work with a toothbrush in our coat pocket.
For those who don't know, this is what happens when a straight man asks out a straight woman:
Man asks woman out. Woman (not that she's going to sleep with him) calculates the timing of her next period, and agrees a date.
A week before the date: Haircut
Hair looks rubbish for a week after being cut. Woman visits emporium of steam and humiliation to have hair savaged and blow-dried into a soul-destroying form, and is then mugged to the tune of £60.
COST: £60
Three days before date: Bikini wax
The woman tells friends: "I'm not going to sleep with him. I just want to have a nice night out, have fun, get to know him."
She books a bikini wax, convincing herself that she could do with a tidy-up, and anyway, she wants to be feeling her best on the date so needs to wear her nice knickers, which are a bit skimpy and look crap with spider legs dangling out the side. The fact that it could take two days for the skin to calm down has nothing to do with the timing of the wax.
The woman visits the chamber of tortures and removes lower clothing in front of a fearsome woman named Svjnska, who pours molten bubble gum all over her outer reproductive area, bends her into undignified positions, and rips the majority of her pubic hair out of her groin. The woman gingerly heads home with leftover, cooling lava gently trying to tack her bum cheek to the top of her leg with each step.
COST: £15 - £40
Two days before date: Tanning
The woman, who is not, you understand, going to sleep with him, visits a tanning shop or applies fake tan. This is to aid a healthy glow. But of course, there is no point just doing the face and arms or there will be a silly line. Might as well do the whole body. Especially the arse. Looks a lot less flabby when tanned. Not that anyone's going to be seeing it of course. But glowing inner beauty comes from inner confidence, which, in part, is drawn from knowing that if she DID sleep with him, her arse would look fantastic.
Woman smears herself with foul-smelling chemicals, or lies, naked, boiling and sweating, in a cancer-inducing plastic tomb.
COST: £8 - £30
Day before date: Clothing
Inner confidence is also often aided by a new outfit. Especially by a new outfit with a plunging neckline, made out of a rather flimsy fabric. Well, if she's not going to sleep with him, he'll need something to look forward to, won't he? Purchase of non-embarrassing new washbag has nothing to do with date. Just needed a new one.
Woman triggers alert at credit card company.
COST: £20 - £200
Day of date:
7am: Woman gets up early to shave legs and underarms, blow-dry hair, pluck eyebrows, do nails, run through outfit, fold outfit gently into a carrier bag, and pack a discreet overnight bag. Well, she might, um, go the gym and have a shower before the date!
7pm: Man decides he can't be bothered, and calls to cancel. Suggests rescheduling. Man clearly has no idea about duration of tan, menstrual cycles, nail varnish longevity, or pubic, head, underarm, leg, eyebrow and possibly facial hair regrowth. Man is an idiot.
The end.
posted by Elizabeth at 1:55 PM
6 Comments:
golly.
if ur lucky i might just wash me underpants!
briggy (via daisy)
You'd be wearing underpants? She's a lucky lady!
Mary from Knock-Knock over here - Daisy sent me and I have got to say this is an hysterical classic keeper. Great comedy.
Having lived with girls for years and having been party to some of these rituals first hand ("Will you come into town tomorrow and help me pick out a top?") I was enthusiatically nodding agreement while reading your post!
And the man? Unless the man is gay (in which case the days leading up to said date are spent pumping up disco tits at the gym), getting ready for a date generally consists of a shave (if last shave was three days ago), maybe the application of some deodorant and a quick spritz of Kouros. Down the front of their pants.
That's before they decide that they can't be bothered, of course.
Love your blog!
Christopher (Drew's friend)
x
To be fair though, if a man is due to go out on a date he may have to actually iron a shirt first. This is no small undertaking and sometimes you just don't feel up to it.
Also can I just say, with feeling, sixty pounds! Sixty?! For a haircut? Surely not.
Richard - www.lostpilgrim.co.uk (also via Daisy).
OMG. this is so true.... i met girl boxing day. arranged date for a week on tuesday. then i called and cancelled. rearranged a date for last week, and finally went on friday. boys checklist= iron shirt, only as it was creased from the last time out last summer. sprayed it with deorderant as it was slightly smelly... didn't bother with my own under arms as the smelly shirt would disguise that. shaved, the night before. thought about trousers, but ended up in jeans. went on date. had a good time. just hope she didn't go to all that trouble too....
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