Tub etiquette

As a light-hearted compliment to yesterday's foul-mouthed tirade, here are some guidelines on the finer points of how to behave when sharing what the Americans call a 'tub'. And what normal people call a bath.

As I am a lady, this will have to be from a lady's point of view. And as my mother tells me I am mildly dyslexic (so it must be true), I can't be bothered to put them into the correct order.

J is of Jif
Hey, mister. You wanna romance me in your tub, huh? Well you'd better chisel off the barnacles and scrape off the scum first.

C is for Cif
No, no it isn't. It is for JIF. Change it back at once, evil overlords of Lever Faberge.

C is also for Candlelight.
Flattering. Romantic. Just try not to position candles near our hair. And please try not to spoil the mood by offering to pour molten wax onto our bodies.

... and Closed
I'm talking about your legs. Keep 'em shut, please. You know what we've got between our knees, but when your legs are spread and your bits are suspended in Thames Water's finest, the view ain't so pretty. Let us do the straddling. That's what we're for.

B is for Bubbles
Bubble bath hides flab rolls, badly waxed bits, shrivelling things, moles. It is the duvet of the bathroom. Also circumnavigates the last point, which could, I suppose come in handy for coy homosexuals, and is excellent for the sculpting of bubble bikinis/beards. Just don't buy some cheap 'Mango Excitement' bubble bath from Superdrug, or your beloved will end up covered in hives, and/or smelling like a fat kid's vomit after a ten tons of candyfloss and spin on the waltzers.

S is for Shampoo
Offering to wash our hair is sweet. But also a little creepy.

P is for Pubes In The Plughole...
...and the soap, and the sponge, and stuck to the shower curtain. Ensure these are removed before inviting a lady into the salle de bain (that's French for bathroom. I also know the German for living room. Get me).

T is for Toys
Don't forget to stash your plastic frogmen in the bathroom cabinet before your co-bather arrives.

T is also for Taps
You offer me the tap end, I steal money from your wallet while you pee. Understand?



PS Thanks again for comments, I still can't join in. I think eblogger has a problem with my Mac, I couldn't see half the set-up instructions when I made the blog, so just kind of whacked at the mouse and return button until - lo! A blog appeared! Raah, all bow down before the mighty Mistress of Technology.