Tube etiquette
I have decided that humanity is in desperate need of a tube etiquette guide, and also that I am the person to help.
This will be an occasional feature, appearing as and when someone p*sses me off on the underground (i.e. every single muthaf*cking second that I am incarcerated in one of those cramped, curse'd, germ-smeared, freak-packed, filth-caked, over-glorified hurtling cigar tubes of sweltering misery, or their associated 'stations').
1) Please stand on the right on the escalator
Person standing on the left. There is a reason why everyone else is standing on the right. There is also a reason why people are cascading around you, tutting. It is the same reason. Try getting out of the way.*
The reason for standing on the right is so that people who are in a hurry/aren't fat and lazy/already know what the inside of the tube looks like thanks to a soul-destroying daily commute can get in and out of the hell-mouth as quickly as possible.
I overheard a woman saying to a companion, who was prompting her to move aside on the escalator: "Ooh, ha ha! Is that so people can push past?"
No, you moronic day-tripping, out-of-town f*ckwit. It is so people who are NOT in London to bumble around in Clinton Cards on Oxford Street and schlep about the tube network trying to find the right stop for 'Sing-A-Long-A-Sound Of Music'
like lobotomised slugs can go about their business (i.e., getting home from work to eat their dinner), unencumbered by hicksville-dwelling thickos.
*If you are this unobservant on the tube, there is a pretty good chance that you probably won't notice until you get back to the hotel that some light-fingered wrong 'un has dipped your yellow rucksack and high-tailed it with your Tigger wallet.
This will be an occasional feature, appearing as and when someone p*sses me off on the underground (i.e. every single muthaf*cking second that I am incarcerated in one of those cramped, curse'd, germ-smeared, freak-packed, filth-caked, over-glorified hurtling cigar tubes of sweltering misery, or their associated 'stations').
1) Please stand on the right on the escalator
Person standing on the left. There is a reason why everyone else is standing on the right. There is also a reason why people are cascading around you, tutting. It is the same reason. Try getting out of the way.*
The reason for standing on the right is so that people who are in a hurry/aren't fat and lazy/already know what the inside of the tube looks like thanks to a soul-destroying daily commute can get in and out of the hell-mouth as quickly as possible.
I overheard a woman saying to a companion, who was prompting her to move aside on the escalator: "Ooh, ha ha! Is that so people can push past?"
No, you moronic day-tripping, out-of-town f*ckwit. It is so people who are NOT in London to bumble around in Clinton Cards on Oxford Street and schlep about the tube network trying to find the right stop for 'Sing-A-Long-A-Sound Of Music'
like lobotomised slugs can go about their business (i.e., getting home from work to eat their dinner), unencumbered by hicksville-dwelling thickos.
*If you are this unobservant on the tube, there is a pretty good chance that you probably won't notice until you get back to the hotel that some light-fingered wrong 'un has dipped your yellow rucksack and high-tailed it with your Tigger wallet.
posted by Elizabeth at 3:32 PM
4 Comments:
The Central Line is my personal favourite moron magnet. A remarkable phenomena occurs every morning...if there is a train in 1 min, and another a minute after, it is almost gauranteed that the second train is only half full because the non thinking fools who are way too desperate to get to work all pile on to the first train that comes along.
Pointless information, but I wanted to comment because I have been enjoying your rants very much. Tubes are possibly the epicentre of evil in London. Them, and the over riding smell of urine that fills our lovely city.
YES! People standing on the left - flames...coming out of the side of my face...heaving breasts (if I had them)...
10/10 for excellent use of the term "hell-mouth"!!
10/10 for excellent use of the term "hell-mouth"!
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