Fabulous new diet! Lost £6 in one day!

It's possible that I put on a few pounds over Christmas. I'm not sure why, I didn't eat any more than usual and the annual turkey-cheese-chocolate binge doesn't usually present a problem. Perhaps it has something to do with never-ending brook of amber nectar that gaily babbled its way down my throat throughout December. Anyway, it doesn't matter - the babbling brook has solidified into dripping lard, the calories have made the transition from fun to chunk and I feel like a girl-sized Buddha roughly hewn from plasticine by a particularly cack-handed four-year-old.

It's not enough to necessitate elasticised leisure slacks from the Innovations catalogue, but I have officially been told to "stop going on about it". I have to wait until February until my probation period is up at work and I can FINALLY join the damn gym (it's only bloody Fitness First for the love of jazzy headbands). I can't afford any unsubsidised yoga classes or blobby-flab purging yak milk 'n' cabbage body wraps - my colleagues had to have a whip-round for me the Friday before Christmas so I could have lunch.

After several days of staring hatefully at various chunks of pancetta-like flesh, I had an epiphany as I ascended a Northern line escalator this morning. Starvation! Why piss about cutting out carbs and banishing wheat when treacherous dairy, salt or some duplicitous type of artery-blocking lettuce will carry on gently swelling me like a water balloon anyway?

Although, of course, you have to top yourself up with teeny-tiny pieces of food as you starve, or the body will go into starvation mode and you don't burn off the right bits, or something.

I had a squashed grilled tomato on butterless brown toast for breakfast. So far, so good.

I did follow it up with a cup of sugared tea, but it's better to have skimmed milk, a tiny bit of sugar, caffeine and hot water swilling around my innards than loads of cake, surely?

Was quite hungry by lunch, so I had a jacket potato and beans to keep starvation mode at bay. I only had a Crunchie because Veronica was having a Kit Kat, and anyway, Crunchies are made mostly of bubbles and are therefore the perfect complement to not eating anything.

I have bravely sipped only water since lunchtime, despite being quite peckish. Perhaps I should eat something to prevent my body going into starvation mode and rendering the whole effort pointless. A nice bag of lettuce from Tesco? Although the 'washed and ready to eat bag' I bought the other day was caked in mud - very dangerous. Would a macaroon be better? I don't want to pass out at my desk. That would be highly unprofessional.

I think I am handling the whole thing very well, though. Feels good to have finally taken the first steps towards a healthier, happier me.