And don't even get me STARTED on the people who talk through the movie
Last week, I saw Brokeback Mountain.
This is not going to be a post about sweeping scenery, moving performances or stunning cinematography.
I also do not wish to discuss the relative merits of Heath Ledger's surprisingly gravelly voice and Jake Gyllenhaal's dreamy eyes.
I don't want to talk about Jake's moustache, or how good he looks dressed as a cowboy (oh OK, he looks so damn good dressed as a cowboy).
In fact, I don't even want to bring up the incident at dinner when my mum mentioned that it was a bit of a shame the film had a gay message and did the gays really need cowboys? - despite the fact she has friends who are in the gays and a daughter who is an occasional cheerleader for homosexuality (festival and parade days only).
What I REALLY want to talk about is OHMYGOD HOW EXPENSIVE IS IT TO GO TO THE CINEMA THESE DAYS, REALLY?
And what is with those... those... nacho... things you get in the plastic tray? With the knat's paddling pool of watery tinned tomatoes? And the ghastly, ghastly, horrible, offensive floury "cheeze' sauce? Just what the fuck is that exactly? It is not good when the best thing about a 'snack' is the jalapeno peppers. I have not been so repulsed since my four-year-old brother flushed the loo while I was cleaning my teeth and a droplet of possibly toilet water landed in my seven-year-old mouth.
The drinks are as bad as the 'food'. Well, not as bad, but they're still pretty fucking pisspoor. I gave up ordering drinks at the cinema years ago as I am not partial to £3.50 buckets of watered-down syrup. But my film-going companion decided to purchase a coca-cola (probably something to do with being hit and told not to buy the water because it is a rip-off) and thought they had given him soda water by mistake. An investigative peek under the lid revealed that the liquid in question was in fact brown - sort of the reverse of Tab Clear.
I have to say, the popcorn was alright. Well, half of it. I'm a salt-and-sugar mixed together girl - the salted was good, the sugared was substandard. And as I'm handing over several pounds for a container of exploded cereal, it would be kind of nice if they could actually mix it together for me. Shaking it into my bloody lap is not actually a treasured part of the whole movie-going experience.
All in all, the tickets and snacks came to nearly £30. Is it worth £30 quid to trudge over grotty carpet to consume offensive snacks on a sticky chair, just to enjoy the luscious sight of Jake Gyllenhaal's eyelashes on the silver screen? I think not. Film audiences are plummeting as people stay at home to watch the DVDs that come out ooh, a week after the cinema release date - can anyone possibly be surprised? For the privilege of seeing a great movie in a cinema, one is mugged to the tune of £17.50 per couple, while any poor fucker who didn't get a chance to eat beforehand must also hand over their firstborn child and sit there pressing a family-sized bag of Revels and powdered, reconstituted food substitutes into their closing, protesting throat as a single tear reflects the action on the big screen.
So, in conclusion - Vue Cinemas, you can shove it up your soda pipe with a popcorn shovel.
Oh, go on then.
This is not going to be a post about sweeping scenery, moving performances or stunning cinematography.
I also do not wish to discuss the relative merits of Heath Ledger's surprisingly gravelly voice and Jake Gyllenhaal's dreamy eyes.
I don't want to talk about Jake's moustache, or how good he looks dressed as a cowboy (oh OK, he looks so damn good dressed as a cowboy).
In fact, I don't even want to bring up the incident at dinner when my mum mentioned that it was a bit of a shame the film had a gay message and did the gays really need cowboys? - despite the fact she has friends who are in the gays and a daughter who is an occasional cheerleader for homosexuality (festival and parade days only).
What I REALLY want to talk about is OHMYGOD HOW EXPENSIVE IS IT TO GO TO THE CINEMA THESE DAYS, REALLY?
And what is with those... those... nacho... things you get in the plastic tray? With the knat's paddling pool of watery tinned tomatoes? And the ghastly, ghastly, horrible, offensive floury "cheeze' sauce? Just what the fuck is that exactly? It is not good when the best thing about a 'snack' is the jalapeno peppers. I have not been so repulsed since my four-year-old brother flushed the loo while I was cleaning my teeth and a droplet of possibly toilet water landed in my seven-year-old mouth.
The drinks are as bad as the 'food'. Well, not as bad, but they're still pretty fucking pisspoor. I gave up ordering drinks at the cinema years ago as I am not partial to £3.50 buckets of watered-down syrup. But my film-going companion decided to purchase a coca-cola (probably something to do with being hit and told not to buy the water because it is a rip-off) and thought they had given him soda water by mistake. An investigative peek under the lid revealed that the liquid in question was in fact brown - sort of the reverse of Tab Clear.
I have to say, the popcorn was alright. Well, half of it. I'm a salt-and-sugar mixed together girl - the salted was good, the sugared was substandard. And as I'm handing over several pounds for a container of exploded cereal, it would be kind of nice if they could actually mix it together for me. Shaking it into my bloody lap is not actually a treasured part of the whole movie-going experience.
All in all, the tickets and snacks came to nearly £30. Is it worth £30 quid to trudge over grotty carpet to consume offensive snacks on a sticky chair, just to enjoy the luscious sight of Jake Gyllenhaal's eyelashes on the silver screen? I think not. Film audiences are plummeting as people stay at home to watch the DVDs that come out ooh, a week after the cinema release date - can anyone possibly be surprised? For the privilege of seeing a great movie in a cinema, one is mugged to the tune of £17.50 per couple, while any poor fucker who didn't get a chance to eat beforehand must also hand over their firstborn child and sit there pressing a family-sized bag of Revels and powdered, reconstituted food substitutes into their closing, protesting throat as a single tear reflects the action on the big screen.
So, in conclusion - Vue Cinemas, you can shove it up your soda pipe with a popcorn shovel.
Oh, go on then.
posted by Elizabeth at 7:08 PM
4 Comments:
Ooooh Jake - yum yum yum yum YUM!
*drools*
Moustaches are wrong. There is no excuse - gay cowboy, secret spy, popcorn vendor - it doesn't matter.
Never trust a man with a moustache.
Not even Merv Hughes?
Bugger popcorn. I'm a jaffa fan. You crack them with your teeth during the boring bits and you can throw them at small noisy children several rows in front and no-one knows it was you because everyone's got jaffas.
Saw it yesterday. Fucking excellent though there could've been more shagging. I took my own nibbles.
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