Christmas Commandments - The First Commandment

Thou shalt leave the Christmas shopping until the last possible minute, kidding thouself that a last-minute dash is cool and verrily, also it is edgy. And thou shalt believe this until, ooh, let us say 2pm on December 23rd, whenst thou shalt realise: "Argh, I am a fool and must cast myself into the screaming belly of hell that is Oxford Street's last late shopping night before Christmas," and lo, thou shalt buy a lot of shite for a great price, and thou shalt weep as thou carriest thine bulky bags of shite on the crowded tube full of Christmas pissheads. And thou shalt curse thineself as thou bangest thine bags into thine shins and thine cheapo carrier bags cut into thine fingers, and thou shalt shout unto the Lord: "Never again! Next year I shall head unto Bentalls in September!"