Today's lesson
The only thing worse than the sight of the legs of style-deficient secondary school girls trussed up in ghastly patterned tights is the sight of the downy, corned beef legs of the same girls, gimmicky-tight free and exposed to watery summer sun.
Girls. Seriously.
Just because your effervescent and popular friend Shanice cuts a dash in her harlequin-style diamond patterned pantyhose, it doesn't mean that this is the right style route for you, too. As the pattern distorts in a valiant attempt to struggle over your lower thigh and heads up your rolled-up school skirt, or shrivels back into tiny squares above the knee, well, the effect isn't really all that flattering.
Don't worry about Shanice and her jaunty leg-wear lighting fires in the eyes and horrid pubescent groins of all the boys at school. You will understand when you are older.
And another thing. For goodness sake do not, when the sun peaks from behind the clouds, cast your court jester leg coverings merrily behind your bed, cram your sockless, chip-vanished toes into your bricky loafers, and clomp out into the dewy grass to feel the sun's caress on your winter-mottled skin. Your legs look like they should be revolving in a kebab shop window. LEG WAX. EXFOLIANT. FAKE TAN. And none of the cheap crap. Steal some money from your mother's purse, and get some of the decent stuff.
And while you're at the shops, invest in some shoes that weren't manufactured by Kicker. Massive footwear does not make you edgy, nor does it make you cool. It transforms chunky legs into tree trunks, and skinny legs into golf clubs. It also makes you kick yourself painfully in the opposing ankle bone for two long years. Don't suffer like I did.
I know Shanice is running around with bare legs and short skirts, boasts a bevy of admirers, and has already had four boyfriends. This is because Shanice is a slut. By the time you are completing the last paragraph on your AS level examination paper, or whatever exam it is you youths do these days, Shanice will be (at least!) a mother of two.
And by the time you have mastered a streak-free tan, how to make the most of your bosom, and (in turn) how to use your charms to win free drinks and ensnare lovers, the majority of the fathers of Shanice's children will be in jail.
Girls. Seriously.
Just because your effervescent and popular friend Shanice cuts a dash in her harlequin-style diamond patterned pantyhose, it doesn't mean that this is the right style route for you, too. As the pattern distorts in a valiant attempt to struggle over your lower thigh and heads up your rolled-up school skirt, or shrivels back into tiny squares above the knee, well, the effect isn't really all that flattering.
Don't worry about Shanice and her jaunty leg-wear lighting fires in the eyes and horrid pubescent groins of all the boys at school. You will understand when you are older.
And another thing. For goodness sake do not, when the sun peaks from behind the clouds, cast your court jester leg coverings merrily behind your bed, cram your sockless, chip-vanished toes into your bricky loafers, and clomp out into the dewy grass to feel the sun's caress on your winter-mottled skin. Your legs look like they should be revolving in a kebab shop window. LEG WAX. EXFOLIANT. FAKE TAN. And none of the cheap crap. Steal some money from your mother's purse, and get some of the decent stuff.
And while you're at the shops, invest in some shoes that weren't manufactured by Kicker. Massive footwear does not make you edgy, nor does it make you cool. It transforms chunky legs into tree trunks, and skinny legs into golf clubs. It also makes you kick yourself painfully in the opposing ankle bone for two long years. Don't suffer like I did.
I know Shanice is running around with bare legs and short skirts, boasts a bevy of admirers, and has already had four boyfriends. This is because Shanice is a slut. By the time you are completing the last paragraph on your AS level examination paper, or whatever exam it is you youths do these days, Shanice will be (at least!) a mother of two.
And by the time you have mastered a streak-free tan, how to make the most of your bosom, and (in turn) how to use your charms to win free drinks and ensnare lovers, the majority of the fathers of Shanice's children will be in jail.
posted by Elizabeth at 12:03 PM
1 Comments:
Brilliant! There should be a gay version of this. Someone needs to address the overly gelled crop top wearing whippersnappers at G.A.Y. (not that I ever go there, but I see 'em queuing up outside)
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